(NSFW) Shopping Paradise

One thing I really love about Japan is how the advertising has no boundaries whatsoever. For example, you can be walking down a busy shopping arcade, bustling with gradads, kids, nuns etc., and suddenly find yourself gazing at a MUSCULAR TATTOOED ASS. As you can guess from the URL if not the pic, on the poster, this is an advertisement for a tattoo parlor. This particular parlor, located as it is in downtown Sendai, is offering a free commemorative tattoo to anyone who lost a loved one during the 3.11 earthquake/tsunami.

On a related note, tattoos have long carried a stigma in Japan, as they are generally associated with organized crime. In fact, my gym has a no-ink policy (though I see tattooed foreigners in there all the time).

Revenge of the importance of one word

Once again, some proofreading work that wandered into my crosshairs serves to remind me how exceptionally awesome my job can be. I swear I did not tamper with this text in anyway, other than adding the highlight to alert the client that she needed to clarify her sentence a bit.



I know it's cliche to say this, but you cannot make this shit up.

PSA: Incoming exchange students, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't try to have your medical marijuana mailed to you in Japan

At the university where I am currently working, one of the exchange students was recently arrested on suspicion of trying to import drugs after customs intercepted a package containing marijuana addressed to the student (for which this person apparently had a prescription in the US). I am not in a position to judge anyone's judgment, but if he is indeed guilty (which has by no means been established) that's a bad move bro.
To be clear, I have nothing against Buddha or Buddha-smokers in general. I think it’s silly that alcohol and tobacco are tolerated while old Mary Jane gets the snub in most countries. That said, if you live in Japan, trying to get hold of da chronic is just a bad idea. Japan is a hysterically anti-drug country (though how they define “drug” is interesting). What is more, Japanese law makes no distinction between “hard” and “soft” drugs. Pot, cocaine, crystal meth, heroin, ecstasy and acid are all equivalent in the eyes of the authorities, relative societal/health risks be damned. If you are caught, or merely suspected of, importing drugs (even in microscopic amounts), and if your case gets to court, your goose is well and truly cooked. The conviction rate in Japan is 99.7%.
Again, it does not matter if you have a prescription from your doctor in your home country (like the above-mentioned student of indeterminate gender). The Japanese authorities will not accept that as a valid reason for attempting to import it, even it’s just for your glaucoma. Japan is not on board with the whole medical marijuana thing. If you absolutely have to take the green herb for medical reasons, don’t come to Japan (seriously, this is not the country for you... it is naahhhht). If you want to smoke recreationally, I suggest saving your money for a trip to the Netherlands, Thailand etc. But for fuck’s sake, don’t try to bring any back with you (or even any paraphernalia, such as pipes, which might contain traces for customs agents to find). And make damn sure you don’t give out any urine samples after your return.
All said, it might be easier to just buy the 100% legal over-the-counter Japanese cough syrup, which contains a hefty dose of codeine, and get your purple drank on. The sizzurp works pretty good, will not get you arrested, and will provide you something to listen to your chopped and skrewed Phish remixes to.*

*May destroy your kidneys.

This Could/Will Happen to You

Here is a list of experiences you will almost certainly have if you live in Japan for longer than a couple of minutes:

• Being lavishly praised on your Japanese speaking abilities for stammering out an awkward “good afternoon” in Japanese.


• Realizing after being lavishly praised on your Japanese speaking abilities for saying “good afternoon” in Japanese that it is in fact 6:00-fucking-AM.


• Being lavishly praised on your chopstick skills. Then being shown how to grip them so that you don’t put your remaining eye out.


• Being told the following joke by an older Japanese person: “What did the Germans say to the Japanese after WWII? Next time, without the Italians!”


• Realizing that your years of studying Japanese have given you no knowledge of basic words like “faucet” and “rutabaga.”


• Stepping out of the toilet into a formal dinner party still wearing the special toilet-only toxic waste slippers to the horror of your hosts. (Alternatively, forgetting to change into the special toilet slippers when going into the bathroom to the horror of your hosts.)


• Scouring the area you are in for the one restroom with a non-squat toilet. Seriously... you are supposed to squat facing the hood?! How the hell does that work? How do squat without putting your socks/underwear in the line of fire? Are you supposed to totally disrobe or what? Should I just wear a kilt at all times?


• Pressing an innocuous button on the side of the toilet and experiencing a moment of blinding terror when a jet of lukewarm water shoots up your bum.


• Growing to welcome your new bum-cleansing toilet overlords more and more the longer you are here.

Snack Name Fail

Not appetizing for some reason. I swear to god there must be a foreign copy editor who is just fucking with all these Japanese companies.