Greetings, and welcome to the first installment of Yamatonokuni. This blog shall attempt to thrust a small, unwelcome flashlight into the inadequately lubricated orifices of a major Japanese population center for the enlightenment, amusement, and hopefully unmasked terror, of any audience it accrues. Today we turn our attentions to an area of Japanese culture sadly neglected by many Western scholars: food sex.
Konnyaku (above photo shows a typical example) is a rubbery Japanese staple made from the starch of an exceptionally unaesthetic potato called devil’s tongue or sometimes Konjac. This almost entirely flavorless food has a history of over 2000 years, contains zero carbs, few calories, and has the highest molecular weight of any fiber known to science. But what is the point of developing a highly refined starch-based food product if you can’t screw it?
Case study:
According to my informant, ‘Mr. A’, any block of konnyaku jelly of sufficient size can be swiftly adapted for nefarious purposes. Mr. A kindly divulged the preferred technique of konnyaku-based gratification.
WARNING: (as of yet) UNTESTED BY AUTHOR. AUTHOR TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR BURNS, DEATH, GENITAL INJURY OR RIDICULE RESULTING FROM THE USE OF THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
Ingredients:
1 block konnyaku*
1 small dried sardine**
hot water
Directions:
1. Use a paring knife or other suitable instrument to make a hole of appropriate size in center of konnyaku block. Do not to pierce konnyaku all the way through.
2. Drop konnyaku block into hot water.
3. Heat 1~2 minutes, until konnyaku is precisely human body temperature (98.6 F or 37.0 C –use a candy or meat thermometer to ascertain temperature).
DO NOT OVERHEAT KONNYAKU. RISK OF INJURY, INFERTILITY, HILARITY.
4. Use disposable chopstick, etc. to insert sardine into the bottom of hole made in step 1.
5. Lubricate to taste and utilize.***
*Prior measurement to assure block is of adequate size and thickness strongly recommended.
**Interestingly, according to Mr. A the dried sardine is for the purpose of adding a realistic “barrier”, and not for, ah... olfactory stimulation (as one might initially assume).
***Post-coital disposal is another matter altogether. We may note here that konnykau is a popular filler for many kinds of soups, stewed vegetable dishes and stir-fry in Japan.
09/28/05 Clarification: Man, I completely forgot to specify...this particular means of recreation is meant solely for MALE users. Sorry to all those confused lady readers who wrote in ("...OK, I've made a hole and stuffed the sardine down there. Now what? The thing seems too squarish to be of any use..." etc.) I do apologize and shall do more research into whatever the female equivalent of "Konnyakubation" may entail.
