Friday, October 20, 2006

Three-pack of deliciousness

It's been awhile, so today's update will have 35% more real juice.
Today is cell phone memory card cleaning day. Looking over scene after horrifying scene cataloging my mind-numbing, anonymous life recorded for posterity by my phone-camera, I found a couple of images that had a common thread: food marketing catastrophes. The four or so of you who frequent this site already know that horrible Japanese snack food is something of a hobby for me. Those of you new to the site can check out the pineapple lozenges of death, a nice pepper flavored pudd, and this cheerfully racist bread snack to get up to speed.

Specimen A (NesCafe Sparkling Cafe): Sweetened, carbonated coffee is exactly what you'd get when a well-meaning, earnest young marketing guy sits down in Starbucks on a hot summer day and thinks "boy, why hasn't anyone integrated the richness of coffee with the refreshment of a carbonated beverage?" Because it would be a complete fucking catastrophe, that's why.

Specimen B (Macadamia Big Nuts): Would you like to try my Big Salty...oh never mind.

Specimen C (High Cacao chocolate bar): The punchy catchphrase on this chocolate bar reads "There is no accounting for taste, so choose your own. Experiencing deliciousness made me a slave to taste." Experiencing this virtually unsweetened slab of cocoa mass made me a slave to wanting to swill out my mouth with heavy cream and raw sugar. It also made me a slave to wanting my 103 yen back. It reminded me of when I was six and tried to eat a brick of that incredibly bitter baking chocolate that looks deceptively like a candy bar. Come to think of it, I did the same thing again last week.