A brief cultural moment

Yamatonokuni takes a break from the normal fare of toilet humor to bring you this cultural moment.
It was a gorgeous fall day, so I was at the river bank instructing my daughter on the finer points of playing your GameBoy while shutting out the intrusive sounds of nature. Suddenly this elderly guy cruised in on his bicycle. He pulled out an actual Mongolian horse-head fiddle (see detail) and started playing it. After awhile he began to do some honest-to-god Mongolian throat singing. It was interesting...I believe one of my college roommates explained to me that in throat-singing the performer actually sings entire chords, albeit with a limited range (somewhere between dirge and funeral march). Very cool stuff to hear live.

The gentleman in question is from Mongolia and is studying here in Japan. He's been studying Japanese for only a few years, but speaks more fluently than I do after 10.
It's funny...panhandling...er...sorry..."busquing" is not really practiced here. While in the US, this guy would probably have been buried under a hail of nickels and quarters, here he gets only the odd question. Fortunately he seems to be actually doing it for practice, not money. Playing outside is probably his only option (many apartments here ban the use of any kind of instrument inside).

Anyway, just thought it was a share-worthy scene. The drone of the fiddle and throat singing drifting across the river in the hazy autumn air, happy kids playing in the grass, and a creepy middle-aged guy wandering around clutching and talking to his cat. It was a random collision of cultures, age groups, and weirdoes that kind of nicely sums up urban Japan. Equal parts tranquility, tradition (both native and imported) and strange lonely people who may or may not be psychopaths.

Three-pack of deliciousness

It's been awhile, so today's update will have 35% more real juice.
Today is cell phone memory card cleaning day. Looking over scene after horrifying scene cataloging my mind-numbing, anonymous life recorded for posterity by my phone-camera, I found a couple of images that had a common thread: food marketing catastrophes. The four or so of you who frequent this site already know that horrible Japanese snack food is something of a hobby for me. Those of you new to the site can check out the pineapple lozenges of death, a nice pepper flavored pudd, and this cheerfully racist bread snack to get up to speed.

Specimen A (NesCafe Sparkling Cafe): Sweetened, carbonated coffee is exactly what you'd get when a well-meaning, earnest young marketing guy sits down in Starbucks on a hot summer day and thinks "boy, why hasn't anyone integrated the richness of coffee with the refreshment of a carbonated beverage?" Because it would be a complete fucking catastrophe, that's why.

Specimen B (Macadamia Big Nuts): Would you like to try my Big Salty...oh never mind.

Specimen C (High Cacao chocolate bar): The punchy catchphrase on this chocolate bar reads "There is no accounting for taste, so choose your own. Experiencing deliciousness made me a slave to taste." Experiencing this virtually unsweetened slab of cocoa mass made me a slave to wanting to swill out my mouth with heavy cream and raw sugar. It also made me a slave to wanting my 103 yen back. It reminded me of when I was six and tried to eat a brick of that incredibly bitter baking chocolate that looks deceptively like a candy bar. Come to think of it, I did the same thing again last week.

Beast your meat!

This image is dedicated to all you MBM fans out there. I'm still looking for the probably one tiny shop in Japan that carries this shirt.

I'd like to think Jack Dangers would love this.

Why is Bambi adjacent to Emmanuelle VI?

If you need any further proof that "common sense" is a totally arbitrary, culturally-specific construct, look no further than this arrangement of vids at a major Japanese rental chain in my city. Not only are the family/children's movies adjacent to the "erotic" titles, but the skin flicks are actually on a lower shelf, making them accessible to even the tiniest of tots. I bet parents have way more trouble prying their 11 year-old sons away from the kiddie vid section here than in my country. "Just a second mom…I wanna check out the backs of a few more of these...uh…'Dora the Explorer' films…"

Fall Fashions

Today we introduce you to the latest creation from Chanel's Japan Fall Lineup. This ravishing headpiece was designed by Reiko "Ikakusai" Kubokawa, and embodies her simple work ethic :" I don't need any particular process or action. I need to be in a situation where there are no obligations or restraints." The hat consist of carefully selected 2kg octopi. They are arranged on the customers head, and held in place by affixing the animal's natural suckers to the scalp.

It was pointed out by a member of the press at the hat's unveiling that if the wearer gets a little peckish, she can just nibble on a dangling tentacle. This idea was dismissed by Ms. Kubokawa, who claimed that any interruptions in the "graceful natural taper of the octopus tentacles" would "ruin the aesthetic flow of the hat."

These hats are recommended for cool, or even sub-zero weather.

For the ladies (er...and some of you guys too)

Feast your eyes on this supple, young flesh:



I guess there are just two things I want to emphasize here. First, despite the abundance of healthy young lads in sailor suits on the cover, this is not a gay porn magazine. It is the Japanese version of TV Guide. This is the main reason I never know what's going to be on TV. Second, what the hell do you call this kind of photography? Shots of hot chicks in swimwear are collectively labeled cheesecake, and photos of muscular dudes posing seminude are beefcake. But these guys are neither chicks nor beefy. Uh... twigcake? Chickencake?

For those interested, these guys are from a boy idol band called Kat-tun and their combined talent might be enough to fill the reservoir tip on a "snug fit" condom. They are managed by confirmed pedophile Johnny Kitagawa. If you require more information, they have an extensive Wikipedia page. Knock yourself out. The Wiki entry on Kitagawa is pretty funny too. What does it cover? His molestation charges. Anything else? Nope, just molestation.

Japanese women can outrun a speeding locomotive...leap tall buildings in a single bound...

Speaking of stereotypes, I saw this funny book at our local foreign book seller.

Now, I can understand where some people would get that impression. You come to Japan, and suddenly you're surrounded by skinny young chicks. Actually, it's just that the old fat women are too intimidated by the young skinny ones to ever leave their homes, giving the false impression that the better half of the Japanese race is immune to the ravages of time and ice cream eaten in bed at two in the morning while watching Cracker...er...not that the author knows of such debauchery.


As counter-evidence to this book's title, I submit this photo of Japanese "psychic" Hosoki Kazuko. As you will note, she is both old and fat. She does, however, offer lots of great advice to young skinny chicks. For example, "shut up and get back in the kitchen, bitch." She is 23 in the photo -she is now around 40 and looks a lot like Emperor Palpatine, with huge folds of wrinkly skin sagging from her jowls. It's kind of hard to tell from this face shot, but she weighs upward of 900 pounds and has to be wheeled around on a special motorized platform. She regularly crushes defenseless puppy-dogs and small children under its merciless treads. I don't care for her TV show.

This almost made Mr. K cry

Holy Jim Crow era stereotypes Batman! Shoei Bread's "Southern Country Black Bread" is yet another example of Japanese snack-food marketing gone horribly wrong. (BTW, in Japan 'black bread' refers to bread made with molasses, not that dense German stuff that facilitates pooping.) My pal Mr. Kura took one look at the picaninny caricature on the package and said "dude, that is so mean" before devouring the bread because he was pretty hungry.

No gay burgers!

Activist liberal fast food shops are intent on destroying the institution of hamburgers as being between one beef patty and one bun, with optional lettuce, tomato, onions, processed American cheese and pickle. Some restaurants are fruiting up our burgers with condiments such as aged cheddar, ginger sauce, green chili, chutney and avocado. The most egregious of the radical liberals even replace the patty with soy products. I was therefore relieved to see Japanese fast food chain Lotteria fighting back against these activists with its "Straight Burger" campaign. This is a clarion call to action! I hope that those of you who cherish family values will urge your local fast food outlets to emulate Lotteria in taking a stand for traditional hamburgers.

A return to cultural sophistication

I know it has been a quantifiable assload of time since the last post, but I was doing some deep reflective soul searching. Is this blog really about all that is lewd and unseemly in Japan -blowjob jokes and food sodomy? As a self-proclaimed "Japanoblog" do I not owe my millions (by which I mean 4) readers cultural insights, comparative analysis and hard-hitting critiques of the white imperial colonialism that is the yoke around modern Asia's neck? Is it not time to lay aside the childish sexual innuendo for something more lofty and universal? By thunder, YES! Hence, starting today we turn over a new leaf of sophistication and cultural sensitivity at Yamatonokuni.

But first let me show you this picture of a humorously named Vietnamese coffee I found at our local import store.


It consists of 100% pure Robusta, which is to coffee what a kick in the face is to not having a nosebleed, or what happoshu is to beer. If you are actually foolish enough to use it to make coffee, it tastes kind of like pencil shavings boiled in motor oil with a hint of Febreeze. OK, it's not that bad, but if you let it sit too long it starts to smell like burning tire.

A Titilating Development

As a TIT alum, this headline from the English edition of Japan’s prestigious Daily Yomiuri reminded me how much I admire the TIT faculty. They’re firm, yet perky and accessible teachers who command their pupils’ interest. How I miss my college days, when I could give my undivided attention to TIT and could spend days and days contemplating TIT’s magnificent facilities. Sadly, TIT has been squeezed and pulled by numerous administrative issues leading to sagging performance and drooping enrollment numbers. However, I’m sure students will be lining up for this new TIT Examination and TIT will once again bulge with intellectual endeavors and gush torrents of piping-hot new ideas.

Wanna make $5?

Happy B-Day to the Love Doctor! OK, he’s not technically a doctor yet, but that is basically a done deal as his dissertation is going to be so tight and sexy that ivy-league dons will regularly attempt to mate with it. In addition to his academic prowess, the Love Doctor’s mere presence has tripled or possibly quadrupled the number of female students applying to our department. Don't bother asking me to forward your propositions to him though...he's already hitched up.

Dr. Dre would be proud

Vandalism in this country cracks me up. I love the fact that whoever defaced this official police phone box was too polite to actually write directly on the box, choosing to write his views on a sticker instead. Seriously though, what did the constabulary do to cheese this rogue sticker-affixer off? In my ten years of living here I think I’ve seen a cop actually on patrol maybe once. How can the man oppress the masses when he’s playing mah-jongg on his GameBoy in his police box?

Loose firey bowels

Ah Japan, ye land of weird ass snack foods. No sooner was the ink dry on the pudding blurb then I remembered this piece of work. These Karamucho sugarless candies are flavored with zesty artificial pineapple and .03 mg of RAW CAPSAICIN. The package warns that ingesting too many may cause “loose bowels".

Creme de la horreur

Meito’s creamy Kuro Koshou no Kaori pudding begs the question: wtf? Essentially, a crème caramel pudding, but with a horrible, horrible twist. Yes, that is a fucking pepper grinder on the peel-away top. What they thought a hint of black pepper would add to this dessert is anyone’s guess. I suppose if you can’t decide between a nice pudd and a thick, peppery steak, you’re in luck.

The trees will save you!

In the city where I live, a suicidal maniac plowed his truck into a pedestrian-only shopping arcade killing several people last April. The city was shocked and outraged. The local government’s solution was to stick a couple of potted trees in front of the arcade entrances because, obviously, no-one would drive their vehicle into a planter that may or may not weigh more than 50 lbs. Then, in December it happened again. A different psycho decided to take a spin down the pedestrian arcade. Amazingly no one was killed. This time, the government sprang to attention like the steely cock of Johnny Kitagawa upon spying a 13 year-old boy and proceeded to…ADD　MORE　FUCKING　PLANTERS! I finally got around to checking out their handiwork last week. Here is a picture of the impenetrable barrier that was erected to protect us all from crazy assholes. I’m so glad I pay my taxes.

Asadachi!

Ahh...sunrise over the hood. Today's Japanese lesson: asadachi. Comprised of "asa" (morning) and "tachi" (to 'stand up'). The same condition is commonly referred to as "morning wood" in my native country.

loliconomics

I may as well just change this blog’s name to “lolicontracker” or something like that, because approx. 90% of the material is going to be me ranting about the pervasiveness of the loliphenomenon in mainstream Japan. “You’re overreacting. We all know that loliculture is relegated to a few middle-aged otaku huddling in their parents’ houses jerking off to reverse import La Blue Girl DVDs, right?” I wish. Those guys, at least, have the decency to stay the fuck out of sight. The larger issue is that you literally cannot walk through a bookstore without being visually sodomized by loliriffic imagery. If you don’t believe me look at this.

Hmm…anime drawing of 9 year-old girl proffering glimpse of immaculate white panties? I must have wandered into the curtained-off manga section again. What? I’m in the econ/finance section?! I know it’s hard to market books on economic theory, especially when you’re specifically targeting the pedophile demographic, but did they really have to go there? Maybe I’m turning into a western-morality Nazi, but come on. A modicum of decorum, if you please.

Free market

Unbridled capitalism, it’s argued, will eventually lead to everything being commoditized and assigned a monetary value. Japan perhaps makes the strongest case for this theory. There is a niche retail market here for just about everything including spit, feces and teddy bears modeled on Korean soap opera heartthrobs. I just hope this store isn't selling what I think it is.

Worrying and Start

In Japan pretty much all books, be they Japanese or foreign, are fitted with a little paper wrap tucked around the dust jacket. These generally bear large, eye-catching marketing phrases, like “10 MILLION COPIES SOLD” or “CONTAINS GRAPHIC QUADRUPLE FISTING ACTION” (as in the case of the book partially visible on the far left). However, the positioning of these marketing wrappers can lead to comical results, as I found in our local Maruzen. The Japanese slogan printed on the wrap reads “OPENS PATHS”…

Abeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebah!!!!

You see some odd advertisements in Japanese train stations. This one purports to be advertising a sort of night-school for computer illiterates who want to learn how to write in kusachu or whatever. However, I think it’s obvious from the picture that all three of the models are getting blowjobs. This probably also explains why it’s shot from the waist up. Needless to say, the guy on left is furiously shooting his wad even as the woman (?) in center nears the peak of her climax. The woman on right is clearly the most uptight of the group, and therefore just smiles politely and fiddles with her scarf thing while her partner earnestly, but somewhat clumsily, attends to her clitoris. The blue letters at the bottom of the ad are a direct translation of Robbie Williams’ immortal lyrics: “Get your rocks off Get your rocks off, honey Shake it now now Get’em off downtown.”

Splashguard not included

There’s a Japanese verb, gaman suru, which roughly means “to put up with all kinds of outrageous crap because to do so is considered a virtue by your culture”. I think this row of urinals perfectly exemplifies the Japanese spirit of gaman. At some point, a handicapped-accessible stall was installed directly in front of the last urinal, leaving approximately 10 inches of room for the user. Nothing says gaman like cramming yourself into a tiny crevice and urinating on yourself due to splash damage from a rediculously positioned commode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to wedge myself in for a piss.