Monday, February 20, 2006

Creme de la horreur

pudding of death
Meito’s creamy Kuro Koshou no Kaori pudding begs the question: wtf? Essentially, a crème caramel pudding, but with a horrible, horrible twist. Yes, that is a fucking pepper grinder on the peel-away top. What they thought a hint of black pepper would add to this dessert is anyone’s guess. I suppose if you can’t decide between a nice pudd and a thick, peppery steak, you’re in luck.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The trees will save you!

In the city where I live, a suicidal maniac plowed his truck into a pedestrian-only shopping arcade killing several people last April. The city was shocked and outraged. The local government’s solution was to stick a couple of potted trees in front of the arcade entrances because, obviously, no-one would drive their vehicle into a planter that may or may not weigh more than 50 lbs. Then, in December it happened again. A different psycho decided to take a spin down the pedestrian arcade. Amazingly no one was killed. This time, the government sprang to attention like the steely cock of Johnny Kitagawa upon spying a 13 year-old boy and proceeded to…ADD MORE FUCKING PLANTERS! I finally got around to checking out their handiwork last week. Here is a picture of the impenetrable barrier that was erected to protect us all from crazy assholes. I’m so glad I pay my taxes.
They'll never get through that!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Asadachi!

Sunrise over urban squalor.
Ahh...sunrise over the hood. Today's Japanese lesson: asadachi. Comprised of "asa" (morning) and "tachi" (to 'stand up'). The same condition is commonly referred to as "morning wood" in my native country.

Friday, January 27, 2006

loliconomics

I may as well just change this blog’s name to “lolicontracker” or something like that, because approx. 90% of the material is going to be me ranting about the pervasiveness of the loliphenomenon in mainstream Japan. “You’re overreacting. We all know that loliculture is relegated to a few middle-aged otaku huddling in their parents’ houses jerking off to reverse import La Blue Girl DVDs, right?” I wish. Those guys, at least, have the decency to stay the fuck out of sight. The larger issue is that you literally cannot walk through a bookstore without being visually sodomized by loliriffic imagery. If you don’t believe me look at this.

Hmm…anime drawing of 9 year-old girl proffering glimpse of immaculate white panties? I must have wandered into the curtained-off manga section again. What? I’m in the econ/finance section?! I know it’s hard to market books on economic theory, especially when you’re specifically targeting the pedophile demographic, but did they really have to go there? Maybe I’m turning into a western-morality Nazi, but come on. A modicum of decorum, if you please.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Free market

Unbridled capitalism, it’s argued, will eventually lead to everything being commoditized and assigned a monetary value. Japan perhaps makes the strongest case for this theory. There is a niche retail market here for just about everything including spit, feces and teddy bears modeled on Korean soap opera heartthrobs. I just hope this store isn't selling what I think it is.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Worrying and Start

In Japan pretty much all books, be they Japanese or foreign, are fitted with a little paper wrap tucked around the dust jacket. These generally bear large, eye-catching marketing phrases, like “10 MILLION COPIES SOLD” or “CONTAINS GRAPHIC QUADRUPLE FISTING ACTION” (as in the case of the book partially visible on the far left). However, the positioning of these marketing wrappers can lead to comical results, as I found in our local Maruzen. The Japanese slogan printed on the wrap reads “OPENS PATHS”…



Abeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebah!!!!



You see some odd advertisements in Japanese train stations. This one purports to be advertising a sort of night-school for computer illiterates who want to learn how to write in kusachu or whatever. However, I think it’s obvious from the picture that all three of the models are getting blowjobs. This probably also explains why it’s shot from the waist up. Needless to say, the guy on left is furiously shooting his wad even as the woman (?) in center nears the peak of her climax. The woman on right is clearly the most uptight of the group, and therefore just smiles politely and fiddles with her scarf thing while her partner earnestly, but somewhat clumsily, attends to her clitoris. The blue letters at the bottom of the ad are a direct translation of Robbie Williams’ immortal lyrics: “Get your rocks off Get your rocks off, honey Shake it now now Get’em off downtown.”

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Splashguard not included



There’s a Japanese verb, gaman suru, which roughly means “to put up with all kinds of outrageous crap because to do so is considered a virtue by your culture”. I think this row of urinals perfectly exemplifies the Japanese spirit of gaman. At some point, a handicapped-accessible stall was installed directly in front of the last urinal, leaving approximately 10 inches of room for the user. Nothing says gaman like cramming yourself into a tiny crevice and urinating on yourself due to splash damage from a rediculously positioned commode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to wedge myself in for a piss.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Ho ho ho!



I and Santa's enormous pale scrotum wish you all a very merry Christmas!
(Full body shot can be seen here)

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Bypass


Eh. No sarcastic commentary today. Just a shot of this bypass that I thought was kind of cool. The Japanese love of nature may be greatly exaggerated in the West, but they do know how to make scenic highways.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Drought

Today's post has nothing to do with Japan. I just wanted to post this picture of the desolate, barren, lifeless surface of mars...



...to give y'all an idea of what my sex life is like (^o^)

Monday, November 07, 2005

Bad Santa, Bad!



Man, please tell me those aren't Santa's big, bouncy white balls dangling out there in the open air. I was with my daughter when we espied this inflated Santy in a shopping arcade. I didn't know whether to say "Ooooh, look! It's Santa-san!" or "COVER YOUR EYES! LOOK AWAY!"

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Hair Dryer Poised to Make Housewives Wetter


Gentlemen, behold! The Matsushita “Nanoe Minus Ion” dryer! For those who have been living in the outer reaches of the Hindu Kush, minus (aka negative) ions are a snake oil cure-all for everything from stinky rooms to grumpiness here in Japan. Having not lived in the West for about 9 years, I’m not sure if this trend is big elsewhere or not, but here one can buy exorbitantly priced home negative-ion generators, negative-ion producing jewelry, and negative ion computer peripherals for the health-conscious geek. But what are these Nonoe Ions? According to the description of the Matsushita “Nanoe Minus Ion” hairdryer:

“Low acidity ‘Nanoe Ions’ are carried in the electric currents contained in water and are produced through cutting edge technology. Compared to regular ‘minus ions’ they contain 1000 times more moisture. This dryer produces ‘Nanoe Ions’ from its built-in 4cc water tank and injects them into the center of your damaged hair…”

Wow…so this dryer actually makes your hair wetter than it was before? I guess that justifies the JPY 14,000 (about US $120) price tag. What other items need Minus Nanoe Ion technology to inject more moisture into dry, neglected body parts? Post your ideas in the comments section (or not).

Sunday, October 23, 2005

B-day Shoutout!!!



A HUGE b-day shoutout to our MAIN FUCKING MAN Mr. Kura! An even bigger Japan geek than yours truly, this guy knows more kanji than your average kokugo professor, but is so humble about it you'd never notice until you realized he was calmly sitting next to you on the subway reading something written in the 1750s without a dictionary!
Otanjobi Omedeto! Try not to hack anyone's head off this year (you will NOT get the Quickening that way, despite what you've seen on Highlander...I know, I've tried!)


PS. If you want a B-day greeting, tell me when your freakin' birthday is!!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Phat Photo Phiesta

Ok, I'm not trying to muscle in on turf so thoroughly tread by Engrish.com, but this week had me diving for my phone. Again, we are reminded that the true value of phone cameras is that they allow us to photograph other cultures for the purpose of ridiculing them.

First up, when was the last time your beverage promised to make you both a hero AND a leader? At only JPY 105 (a mere 2.03971 Brazilian Reais), this seemed like a steal. A strong 'nose' of glass-cleaner, a vaguely antifreeze-like 'attack', and an 'aftertaste' of oaky kidney trauma characterize this year's vintage of Osotspa M-150.

Ahh... now this little shop made me nostalgic for the days when you could ride into a sleepy rural Japanese village, pick up a few dozen strapping peasant girls, take them to Saitama, and pay them $2.75 a month to live in prison-like dormitories alternately wringing silk threads out of worm asses and tossing salad for the pervy managers.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Unerfahren Parken ist Verboten



I ducked into a mall to grab a bottle of iced coffee and came out to discover the bicycle Gestapo screwing with my ride. Apparently these guys get paid to hang around in front of the store, straightening the rows of parked bicycles, motorbikes, and scooters. I’d locked my aging Giant to a bike-rack in the designated area, assuming everything was kosher. Not so. They explained that my trusty steed (not pictured here) was facing the wrong direction, so they had no choice but to wrestle it around, chained as it was to the rack, lest the world implode. I unchained my bicycle for them, flipped it around to face the ‘right’ way, and they were happy. Only in Japan.

In all seriousness, there is a need for guys like this here. The average bicyclist/scooterist in this country has parking habits that can only be described as barbaric. You find bicycles and even motorcycles parked in the middle of sidewalks, in front of fire-exits, and on top of the elderly. Worse still, a lot of people seem fond of abandoning their unwanted velocipedes pretty much wherever suits their fancy. I wish the major train stations in this city would employ a couple of guys like this to keep the entrances a bit clearer. But those hats have got to go man.

Friday, October 07, 2005

The twofold nature of this biscuit…



Granted this is only amusing if you a) read katakana, b) know the cultural context, but it kind of ties in with the previous post, so I’ll attempt to explain it.

The name of this snack can be transliterated as either ‘white rollita’, in reference to the shape of the snack (which is a sort of a twisted, white-chocolate covered biscuit), or ‘white Lolita’, in reference to the literary classic by Vladimir Nabokov. This pun is fully appreciable in Japanese and is probably intentional. The expression ‘Lolita Complex’, or ‘Lolicon’ as it’s known in the lingua vulgaris was imported long ago, although the Japanese pronunciation is rendered as “roreetah konpurekusu” (or rohreekon, if you prefer).

Lolicon is the commonly used euphemism for adult males who display a bit too much enthusiasm for young girls. Rather than being frowned upon, as in the West, the ‘Lolicon’ is treated as a huge marketing opportunity, with prepubescent pop-stars like Morning Musume (whose members are periodically replaced to keep the average age of the group somewhere around 12 and whose concerts attract droves of middle-aged men) to glossy ‘gravure’ photo-albums that depict girls from ages 10 and up, posing in bikinis (books that would probably get you pulled aside and flogged if you tried to bring them through customs in most Western countries). I guess I could inject a little self-righteous Western moralizing here, but there’s far too much of that out there already. Suffice it to say I plan to get my daughter out of this country as soon as I finish grad school.

Monday, October 03, 2005

More Than Meets the Eye



There go all my sweet childhood memories shot to Hell. Until recently I pined for the days when my biggest problem was completing my Constructicon collection so I could form them into that big motherf**ker, but this was cured, instantly, upon viewing the above. According to the info card that came with this incredibly disturbing figurine (which my wife brought home for some unfathomable reason), the Lolita in the Autobot hat is named ‘Ai-chan’ and she’s a virtual hologram that administers Cybertron. So we have a naked, underage hologram bathing with, inexplicably, a Sharkticon between her thighs. What really hammers home the creepiness though is the peeking-tom Optimus Prime in the background.

Anyone who’s spent any time at all in Japan knows this country has serious pedophilia issues to work through, but damn! I’d hoped those issues would keep their slimy, schoolgirl-violating tentacles away from childhood nostalgia. I gotta shower. I feel soiled.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I SAID, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY 8 LITTLE BALLS, MR. GARRISON?



I saw a young mum, kids in tow, wearing this t-shirt the other day. Disconcertingly, one of her toddlers had a matching shirt.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Yo! Bum rush the show!



Ah, Japan! Land of frank advertising. One of my favorite advertisements ever, this huge, illuminated sign, located in a major subway station, is the epitome of taste. The soothing green leaves serve as an elegant frame for the text, which reads:

KIKUTA PROCTOLOGICAL CLINIC

Now that's class, that is.