Saturday, September 26, 2009

A big bowl of cold PAIN!!!



A lot has happened since my last post. The laughably named "Liberal Democratic Party" has lost power for the first time since the Ordovician period, Patrick Swayze died, and my soul got just a little bit blacker and more evil as a result of one or both of these. Most importantly, my regular comment correspondent Bob has informed me that cafeterias across Japan have started selling bowls of icy cold PAIN for a mere 80 yen each. This is good news as it takes regular doses of pain to remind my tiny shriveled bitter heart to keep beating. Fortunately a bowl of pain is only 43 calories, so I can eat the stuff all day and still keep my girlish figure.

OK, seriously, what is the story? Well, in Japan the word for "pineapple" is more or less "pineapple". This is usually abbreviated to "pine" though, and phonetically spelled パイン. Reverse engineering these characters back into English using standard romanization spelling yields "pain". Pineapple=Pain. I leave the details to your imagination.

(Photo credit: Bob, a.k.a. Dr. K, a.k.a. The Pilao!!!)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The importance of one word

Sometimes I hate doing proofreading work.



On the other hand, sometimes it's an absolute joy.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A haiku



A construction site
Vibrant signage... I feel wood
But not in my pants.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

DigiBummed out


I always knew that one day our posteriors would be replaced by implanted waste-recyclers, forever eliminating the need to poop. Thank God! That day has arrived far earlier than I imagained! The Kairen DigiBum is a fully functional ass in the palm of your hand. It's dual-sphincter technology lets you...oh... wait. The fine print explains that "Digital Image" + "Album" = DigiBum. It seems that this is just yet another digital photo frame, and not the cybernetic bottom I was praying for.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

When gummy bears crave vengeance, they turn to gummy ninjas


When I am not obsessing over ninjas and zombies, I am usually eating handfuls of gummy bears as the intensive chewing they require helps rid my body of all the nervous energy and loosened teeth that a meth addiction brings. Now, Japanese sweets maker Uha-Mikakuto has created a gummy snack worthy of your warrior soul: the Ninja Meal (忍者めし) gummy. Their marketing slogan is: "Satisfies the munchies of the modern Ninja".

These are harder than your average (gummy) bear, and are promoted as a way to reduce snacking by quite literally giving you something to chew on. They come in two flavors: Miyazaki (prefecture) Mango and Ume Katsuo. The former is a pretty average mango-flavored gummy with a sort of M&Ms-like crust surrounding it. The Ume Katsuo is another beast altogether, being plum and fish --yes, I said fish-- flavored. Once again, Japan never fails to disappoint with the wierd-ass snack flavors.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

In which I record my failed attempt to ingest meat


Today was to be an epic day in the world of fast food in my city. A certain popular hamburger chain was, for the first time ever, to bring its girthier sandwich to Japan. This sandwich contains an all-beef patty weighing one fourth of a pound, a "quarter-pounder" if you will. In dire need of protein, iron and carcinogens I rushed to the nearest outlet, only to be told that they had none of the burgers I sought. "Nay!" said the clerk, "if large beefy patties you crave, go to yonder Chuodori Tenpo must you."

So, I girded up my soon to be cholesterol clogged loins and struck out for the covered shopping arcade. Once there though, I found that they were not content to just sell you the sandwich. Oh no. You had to go through this whole weird marketing process in which they made you fill out a survey and gave you a T-shirt to turn you into a walking billboard for their vittles. I just wanted a damn burger, so I gave the finger to the whole process and went to a bakery for my lunch instead. It really makes no sense, because the Japanese enjoy being horribly inconvenienced when trying to buy lunch just as much as Americans do.

So why is the above photo so blurry? Art my friend, art.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The return of the chocolate hot-shot!



First there was the Game Chocolate Ahiiii! Now there is Boukun Habanero Choco Kizoku (Despotic Habanero Chocoloate Aristocracy). This Tohato product is the latest in a long line of Japanese sweets that incorporate some element of capsicum.

What can I say about the Despotic Habanero Chocoloate Aristocracy? It is basically a crunchy, potato-based ring-shaped snack liberally spiced with chili pepper and coated in chocolate. If that doesn't convince you as to its savory-sweet goodness, the package reads "Sweet? Spicy? An alluring rendezvous!"

Sunday, February 01, 2009

By the power of JAHEEEEEEEZZUS!!!



I have mentioned strange Japanese health and beauty goods in the past. The most memorable was perhaps a line of placenta-based skin-care products. On purely theological grounds, I think this one is my favorite though. As is often the case, I really can't think of anything to write about this, because nothing I write will be funnier than the product itself. Jesus Body? JESUS BODY??! Do not be alarmed. They are not selling the literal body of Christ. Jesus Body! is some sort of diet pill. The promotional Web-site promises that Jesus Body! will help you burn fat, detoxify your body, and alleviate the constipation associated with hard dieting. Well, I guess those minor feats should all be well within the Son of God's powers. The catch-copy loosely translates as "This divine diet supplement has been handed down from God in heaven."

I Googled and Googled, but could find no explanation of why the product is named "Jesus Body". I can only assumed the marketing team's meeting went something like this:

"We need a name that says "thin". I mean, really really skinny."
"Hmmm. How about 'Instant Anorexia'?"
"Nah. Too technical."
"Auschwitz Survivor?"
"That's the right direction, but too hard for our Japanese consumers to pronounce."
"I got it! How about Jesus Body? I mean, those crosses they put up in the fake wedding chapels usually have that skinny Jesus guy nailed to them, right?"
"Brilliant! Nothing says 'tit-less and unhealthily emaciated' like the wasted, tortured body of Jesus Christ! That is exactly the look that today's women want!"

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Wall of Shame

There is a long tradition of Western stars sneaking over to Japan to whore out for an ad or two. Since the ads never run overseas, they get a free trip to Japan and a dump-truck full of money all while preserving their credibility back home. Today we look at three Hollywood stars who are making filthy lucre off of Japanese companies.

N-n-n-n-number THREEEEE!!!! Above we see Tommy Lee Jones shilling Suntory's line of BOSS coffees. I really can't begrudge the guy his ad spots because I really don't remember what he was last in. And he just saw his role as Two-Face brilliantly reinterpreted in Dark Knight. That had to sting.

Number TWO!!! George Clooney hawking Honda Odysseys. The tag-line is vaguely sexist, reading: "I like good cars. Because I'm a MAN!"

In at number one for most egregious pimping of a foreign talent to a Japanese advertising agency is Darth Vader. Not satisfied with turning him into a whiny, emo kid, Lucas has licensed Vader for use in a Star Wars themed pachinko game produced by Sankyo. Pachinko is basically a form of legalized gambling, so this is kind of the equivalent to Darth Vader being featured in a slot machine. You can see a promotional video and pictures of the pachinko machine here. Darth's tagline reads "The time to fight is now!" And by "fight" he means "gamble away your hopes and dreams on a form of rigged government-sanctioned gambling."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Japan: land of weird-ass keychain toys


I think over half of Japan's industry is devoted to designing and producing keychain and cell-phone lanyard toys. About a landfill's worth probably ship out every day, often as freebies attached to bottled beverages, but these are some of the odder premium ones I've seen. The three at top in the photo at left are meant to imitate the sound and feel of popping bubble-wrap. At bottom left is a toy that recreates the sensation of squeezing green soybeans (a popular bar snack) out of their pods. The device at bottom right is supposed to simulate the sound and feel of pulling the perforated cardboard tab off a box of sweets (Pocky, for instance).

None of these is as cool as the "Flower Vibe Key Holder" though. I love the retailer's Web site, complete with "how-to" pictures demonstrating proper usage on a fake vagina. Also, the idea that the user could just dangle it from her handbag as a fashion accessory is both hilarious and vaguely empowering. The description says it's for women who "want a vibrator they can take along on unexpected sleep-overs or trips. There is also no need to worry if you get stopped for a spot bag search when boarding an airplane" (no need to worry about embarrassment I assume, since last time I checked carrying sex toys on planes was not an offense).