Saturday, May 04, 2013

Let us unite to ridicule viral emails!


Something finally inspired an update! Unfortunately it is this "Islam and Japan" thing that has been making the rounds on the Internets. A few of my friends/family have forwarded it to me with expressions of bafflement, such as "Huh?" and "What?" Perhaps it was given some credence by Tokyo mayor Inose's recent gaffe about Islamic countries in regards to his city's Olympics bid. I  would usually just ignore this kind of trolling. Taking the time to respond lends it more credibility than it deserves. But this was just so full of fail, I thought it might be fun to take it apart. 


Couple of disclaimers: First I do NOT mean to imply that there is NO discrimination against Muslims, or foreigners in general, in Japan. But I honestly do not think it is any worse here than in the USA for instance. Secondly, I am not religious at all myself, so I can't speak to the specific experience of a "person of faith" living in Japan and what prejudice or lack thereof one might encounter. So, with that disclaimer out of the way, bring on the stupid! 

"1) Japan is the only nation that does not give citizenship to Muslims."

Well, foreigners can get Japanese citizenship, but it is VERY difficult. Assuming a Muslim (or any other foreigner) was up for the challenge though, the Japanese postwar Constitution is pretty friggin' clear regarding separation of church and state: 
Article 20: Freedom of religion is guaranteed to all. No religious organization shall receive any privileges from the State, nor exercise any political authority. 2) No person shall be compelled to take part in any religious acts, celebration, rite or practice. 3) The State and its organs shall refrain from religious education or any other religious activity. 
So basically, due to the guarantee of religious freedom, it would be illegal for the government to take religion into account at all in immigration matters. 

"2) In Japan permanent residency is not given to Muslims."  

See above. Replace "citizenship" with "permanent residency."

"3) There is a strong ban on the propagation of Islam in Japan."  

Again, see Article 20 above. Do you notice a pattern here?

"4) In the University of Japan, Arabic or any Islamic language is not taught."  

This is true, because this "University of Japan" of which the author speaks does not actually exist. Unless the author means the INTERNATIONAL University of Japan, which seems to be primarily an MBA focused school, so yeah... no Arabic studies there. There are certainly universities in Japan that offer Arabic, such as the Tokyo University of Foreign Studies which the author actually mentions below.

"5) One cannot import a 'Koran' published in the Arabic language."  

Guess Amazon Japan didn't get that memo. (Technically Arabic w/English translation, but I think it counts.)

"6) According to data published by the Japanese government, it has given temporary residency to only 2 lakhs, Muslims, who must follow the Japanese Law of the Land. These Muslims should speak Japanese and carry their religious rituals in their homes."  

Lakh as in the unit denoting 100,000? 200,000 actually sounds a bit high for the number of Muslims living in Japan. Anyway, um, yeah... generally when one goes to live in another country it is customary to follow that country's laws. But there is no law that says foreigners must speak Japanese to live in Japan. Many do not. There are also actual Mosques in Japan, so Muslims can actually carry out their worship and "rituals" in places other than the secrecy of their own homes. 

"7) Japan is the only country in the world that has a negligible number of embassies in Islamic countries." 

 Guess it depends on how you define "negligible," but you can see a list of Japanese embassies here. As you can see Islamic countries are well represented. 

"8) Japanese people are not attracted to Islam at all." 

Unlike the author of this inane list, I would not presume to speak on behalf of THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF JAPAN, but I will say that a number of my colleagues at Tohoku U. were actively studying Islam academically. So I guess they felt attracted to it. 

9) Muslims residing in Japan are the employees of foreign companies. 

Weird... I would swear the JAPANESE university where I work had hired some Muslim lecturers from abroad. I must have imagined it. 

10) Even today, visas are not granted to Muslim doctors, engineers or managers sent by foreign companies. 

Again, that pesky Article 20 of the Japanese Constitution! Anyway, plenty of engineering researchers at my university from Islamic countries. By gosh, I bet a few of them are Muslim too!

"11) In the majority of companies it is stated in their regulations that no Muslims should apply for a job." 

Well, I do not have time to check the HR policy of each and every Japanese company, but I can say that none of the half dozen or so Japanese companies/schools I have worked for had any such policy. 

"12) The Japanese government is of the opinion that Muslims are fundamentalist and even in the era of globalization they are not willing to change their Muslim laws."  

Again, because of Article 20 of the Japanese constitution, it would be ILLEGAL for the government to take such a position.

"13) Muslims cannot even think about renting a house in Japan."  

In parts of Japan, sadly, it is hard for any foreigner, regardless of religion, to rent a house/apt. But this is rare from what I've seen. Most landlords don't care about your race/creed very much as long as your money is green and you can produce a credible guarantor to co-sign your lease (which even native Japanese must do). 

"14) If anyone comes to know that his neighbour is a Muslim then the whole neighbourhood stays alert."  

Might be true in some rural, backwoods parts of Japan. But for the most part, the majority of gainfully employed citizens have better things to do than keep tabs on what faiths their neighbors are practicing. I am surprised our scholar here didn't get the memo that Japanese people are BUSY. "Karoshi" isn't a Japanese loanword for nothing.

"15) No one can start an Islamic cell or Arabic 'Madrasa' in Japan. There is no Sharia law in Japan."  

Of course there is no national Sharia in Japan, again because Article 20 would forbid it. Similarly there is no longer a compulsory Buddhist Danka registration requirement. However, individuals are free to follow Sharia, or dress up as Hello Kitty, giant teddy bears, or anime characters, as they see fit. Because Japan is a free country, a point which the author seems to have missed.  As for there being no Isalmic schools in Japan... 

"16) If a Japanese woman marries a Muslim then she is considered an outcast forever."  

Depends on her family and how open-minded they are. Sure, some particularly conservative families might reject their son/daughter for marrying someone of a foreign religion or race. But this is also true of the U.S. and A. 

"17) According to Mr. Kumiko Yagi, Professor of Arab/Islamic Studies at Tokyo University of Foreign Studies , "There is a mind frame in Japan that Islam is a very narrow minded religion and one should stay away from it."  

Leaving aside for a moment the fact that Prof. Kumiko Yagi is a "Ms.", not "Mr." it is true that Japanese are not exactly flocking to Islam, but they are not flocking to any other religions either. Japan is a very secular country. Most people identify themselves as having no religion, or at best follow religious customs in form only, with little reflection on spiritual content. 

"VERY SMART PEOPLE!" 

Finally something I can agree with! Yes, I have met a lot of very intelligent, kind Japanese in my 15+ years of living and working here. They are definitely NOT the bunch of bigots living in a totalitarian state, as described in this steaming poo of a viral e-mail.

I work at a student exchange office at Tohoku U. We accept exchange students from Indonesia, UAE, Egypt, Pakistan etc. and I assume at least of few of them are Muslim. I have never sensed any dislike, suspicion, or different treatment of any student based on religion from the Japanese staff or instructors. On the whole I think the Japanese are far more concerned with getting the economy back on track and the expansion of Chinese military power in Asia than they are with "keeping the Muslims out." 

Thursday, October 06, 2011

(NSFW) Shopping Paradise

One thing I really love about Japan is how the advertising has no boundaries whatsoever. For example, you can be walking down a busy shopping arcade, bustling with gradads, kids, nuns etc., and suddenly find yourself gazing at a MUSCULAR TATTOOED ASS. As you can guess from the URL if not the pic, on the poster, this is an advertisement for a tattoo parlor. This particular parlor, located as it is in downtown Sendai, is offering a free commemorative tattoo to anyone who lost a loved one during the 3.11 earthquake/tsunami.
On a related note, tattoos have long carried a stigma in Japan, as they are generally associated with organized crime. In fact, my gym has a no-ink policy (though I see tattooed foreigners in there all the time).

Monday, September 26, 2011

Revenge of the importance of one word

Once again, some proofreading work that wandered into my crosshairs serves to remind me how exceptionally awesome my job can be. I swear I did not tamper with this text in anyway, other than adding the highlight to alert the client that she needed to clarify her sentence a bit.



I know it's cliche to say this, but you cannot make this shit up.

Monday, July 25, 2011

This Could/Will Happen to You

Here is a list of experiences you will almost certainly have if you live in Japan for longer than a couple of minutes:

  • Being lavishly praised on your Japanese speaking abilities for stammering out an awkward “good afternoon” in Japanese.

  • Realizing after being lavishly praised on your Japanese speaking abilities for saying “good afternoon” in Japanese that it is in fact 6:00-fucking-AM.

  • Being lavishly praised on your chopstick skills. Then being shown how to grip them so that you don’t put your remaining eye out.

  • Being told the following joke by an older Japanese person: “What did the Germans say to the Japanese after WWII? Next time, without the Italians!”

  • Realizing that your years of studying Japanese have given you no knowledge of basic words like “faucet” and “rutabaga.”

  • Stepping out of the toilet into a formal dinner party still wearing the special toilet-only toxic waste slippers to the horror of your hosts. (Alternatively, forgetting to change into the special toilet slippers when going into the bathroom to the horror of your hosts.)

  • Scouring the area you are in for the one restroom with a non-squat toilet. Seriously... you are supposed to squat facing the hood?! How the hell does that work? How do squat without putting your socks/underwear in the line of fire? Are you supposed to totally disrobe or what? Should I just wear a kilt at all times?

  • Pressing an innocuous button on the side of the toilet and experiencing a moment of blinding terror when a jet of lukewarm water shoots up your bum.

  • Growing to welcome your new bum-cleansing toilet overlords more and more the longer you are here.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Snack Name Fail



Not appetizing for some reason. I swear to god there must be a foreign copy editor who is just fucking with all these Japanese companies.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Tied Up

Yesterday, an announcement was mass-emailed to our office notifying us that we no longer were required to wear ties and jackets to work. This is in keeping with the policies many Japanese companies adopt for the hot summer weather. I guess the reasoning is that if the guys dress down, they don't have to keep the air-conditioners cranked up, and can save a little money on their electric bills.

So, yesterday all the guys in our office took off their neckties and jackets as soon as they saw the announcement. One of the managers even posted up signs informing everyone of the new policy. He went out of his way to tell me, "From today, you don't have to wear a tie."

Today, all the men in the office are wearing ties again.
I am the only one who came in without a tie.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

A big bowl of cold PAIN!!!



A lot has happened since my last post. The laughably named "Liberal Democratic Party" has lost power for the first time since the Ordovician period, Patrick Swayze died, and my soul got just a little bit blacker and more evil as a result of one or both of these. Most importantly, my regular comment correspondent Bob has informed me that cafeterias across Japan have started selling bowls of icy cold PAIN for a mere 80 yen each. This is good news as it takes regular doses of pain to remind my tiny shriveled bitter heart to keep beating. Fortunately a bowl of pain is only 43 calories, so I can eat the stuff all day and still keep my girlish figure.

OK, seriously, what is the story? Well, in Japan the word for "pineapple" is more or less "pineapple". This is usually abbreviated to "pine" though, and phonetically spelled パイン. Reverse engineering these characters back into English using standard romanization spelling yields "pain". Pineapple=Pain. I leave the details to your imagination.

(Photo credit: Bob, a.k.a. Dr. K, a.k.a. The Pilao!!!)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The importance of one word

Sometimes I hate doing proofreading work.



On the other hand, sometimes it's an absolute joy.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A haiku



A construction site
Vibrant signage... I feel wood
But not in my pants.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

DigiBummed out


I always knew that one day our posteriors would be replaced by implanted waste-recyclers, forever eliminating the need to poop. Thank God! That day has arrived far earlier than I imagained! The Kairen DigiBum is a fully functional ass in the palm of your hand. It's dual-sphincter technology lets you...oh... wait. The fine print explains that "Digital Image" + "Album" = DigiBum. It seems that this is just yet another digital photo frame, and not the cybernetic bottom I was praying for.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

When gummy bears crave vengeance, they turn to gummy ninjas


When I am not obsessing over ninjas and zombies, I am usually eating handfuls of gummy bears as the intensive chewing they require helps rid my body of all the nervous energy and loosened teeth that a meth addiction brings. Now, Japanese sweets maker Uha-Mikakuto has created a gummy snack worthy of your warrior soul: the Ninja Meal (忍者めし) gummy. Their marketing slogan is: "Satisfies the munchies of the modern Ninja".

These are harder than your average (gummy) bear, and are promoted as a way to reduce snacking by quite literally giving you something to chew on. They come in two flavors: Miyazaki (prefecture) Mango and Ume Katsuo. The former is a pretty average mango-flavored gummy with a sort of M&Ms-like crust surrounding it. The Ume Katsuo is another beast altogether, being plum and fish --yes, I said fish-- flavored. Once again, Japan never fails to disappoint with the wierd-ass snack flavors.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

In which I record my failed attempt to ingest meat


Today was to be an epic day in the world of fast food in my city. A certain popular hamburger chain was, for the first time ever, to bring its girthier sandwich to Japan. This sandwich contains an all-beef patty weighing one fourth of a pound, a "quarter-pounder" if you will. In dire need of protein, iron and carcinogens I rushed to the nearest outlet, only to be told that they had none of the burgers I sought. "Nay!" said the clerk, "if large beefy patties you crave, go to yonder Chuodori Tenpo must you."

So, I girded up my soon to be cholesterol clogged loins and struck out for the covered shopping arcade. Once there though, I found that they were not content to just sell you the sandwich. Oh no. You had to go through this whole weird marketing process in which they made you fill out a survey and gave you a T-shirt to turn you into a walking billboard for their vittles. I just wanted a damn burger, so I gave the finger to the whole process and went to a bakery for my lunch instead. It really makes no sense, because the Japanese enjoy being horribly inconvenienced when trying to buy lunch just as much as Americans do.

So why is the above photo so blurry? Art my friend, art.

Monday, March 09, 2009

The return of the chocolate hot-shot!



First there was the Game Chocolate Ahiiii! Now there is Boukun Habanero Choco Kizoku (Despotic Habanero Chocoloate Aristocracy). This Tohato product is the latest in a long line of Japanese sweets that incorporate some element of capsicum.

What can I say about the Despotic Habanero Chocoloate Aristocracy? It is basically a crunchy, potato-based ring-shaped snack liberally spiced with chili pepper and coated in chocolate. If that doesn't convince you as to its savory-sweet goodness, the package reads "Sweet? Spicy? An alluring rendezvous!"

Sunday, February 01, 2009

By the power of JAHEEEEEEEZZUS!!!



I have mentioned strange Japanese health and beauty goods in the past. The most memorable was perhaps a line of placenta-based skin-care products. On purely theological grounds, I think this one is my favorite though. As is often the case, I really can't think of anything to write about this, because nothing I write will be funnier than the product itself. Jesus Body? JESUS BODY??! Do not be alarmed. They are not selling the literal body of Christ. Jesus Body! is some sort of diet pill. The promotional Web-site promises that Jesus Body! will help you burn fat, detoxify your body, and alleviate the constipation associated with hard dieting. Well, I guess those minor feats should all be well within the Son of God's powers. The catch-copy loosely translates as "This divine diet supplement has been handed down from God in heaven."

I Googled and Googled, but could find no explanation of why the product is named "Jesus Body". I can only assumed the marketing team's meeting went something like this:

"We need a name that says "thin". I mean, really really skinny."
"Hmmm. How about 'Instant Anorexia'?"
"Nah. Too technical."
"Auschwitz Survivor?"
"That's the right direction, but too hard for our Japanese consumers to pronounce."
"I got it! How about Jesus Body? I mean, those crosses they put up in the fake wedding chapels usually have that skinny Jesus guy nailed to them, right?"
"Brilliant! Nothing says 'tit-less and unhealthily emaciated' like the wasted, tortured body of Jesus Christ! That is exactly the look that today's women want!"

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Wall of Shame

There is a long tradition of Western stars sneaking over to Japan to whore out for an ad or two. Since the ads never run overseas, they get a free trip to Japan and a dump-truck full of money all while preserving their credibility back home. Today we look at three Hollywood stars who are making filthy lucre off of Japanese companies.

N-n-n-n-number THREEEEE!!!! Above we see Tommy Lee Jones shilling Suntory's line of BOSS coffees. I really can't begrudge the guy his ad spots because I really don't remember what he was last in. And he just saw his role as Two-Face brilliantly reinterpreted in Dark Knight. That had to sting.

Number TWO!!! George Clooney hawking Honda Odysseys. The tag-line is vaguely sexist, reading: "I like good cars. Because I'm a MAN!"

In at number one for most egregious pimping of a foreign talent to a Japanese advertising agency is Darth Vader. Not satisfied with turning him into a whiny, emo kid, Lucas has licensed Vader for use in a Star Wars themed pachinko game produced by Sankyo. Pachinko is basically a form of legalized gambling, so this is kind of the equivalent to Darth Vader being featured in a slot machine. You can see a promotional video and pictures of the pachinko machine here. Darth's tagline reads "The time to fight is now!" And by "fight" he means "gamble away your hopes and dreams on a form of rigged government-sanctioned gambling."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Japan: land of weird-ass keychain toys


I think over half of Japan's industry is devoted to designing and producing keychain and cell-phone lanyard toys. About a landfill's worth probably ship out every day, often as freebies attached to bottled beverages, but these are some of the odder premium ones I've seen. The three at top in the photo at left are meant to imitate the sound and feel of popping bubble-wrap. At bottom left is a toy that recreates the sensation of squeezing green soybeans (a popular bar snack) out of their pods. The device at bottom right is supposed to simulate the sound and feel of pulling the perforated cardboard tab off a box of sweets (Pocky, for instance).

None of these is as cool as the "Flower Vibe Key Holder" though. I love the retailer's Web site, complete with "how-to" pictures demonstrating proper usage on a fake vagina. Also, the idea that the user could just dangle it from her handbag as a fashion accessory is both hilarious and vaguely empowering. The description says it's for women who "want a vibrator they can take along on unexpected sleep-overs or trips. There is also no need to worry if you get stopped for a spot bag search when boarding an airplane" (no need to worry about embarrassment I assume, since last time I checked carrying sex toys on planes was not an offense).

Monday, December 01, 2008

No more unwanted pee-baths for your ass


One of the more civilized things about modern Japan is the public toilet. In particular, the crappers of the newer department stores boast all kinds of automatic soap dispensers and water-jets to eliminate any "not so fresh" feelings you may have. A lot of restrooms also have motion activated flushers on both the urinals and stalls, meaning you will never walk into a booth to take a dump only to find that the previous user has left a nice corpus delicti for your viewing pleasure. My favorite addition so far are these neat seat-sanitizers (hilarious English explanation optional -seriously, who says "WC" in this century?). They dispense a disinfectant, and used in conjunction with a few sheets of bog roll allow one to avoid the horror of sitting down in a puddle of cold piss (or worse, depending on the restroom). These should come standard in men's rooms everywhere.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Tofu Inferno


The tofu factory in our neighborhood caught fire last night, so we were kept up for a couple of hours by sirens, shouting firemen, and the news helicopters that were circling the scene. We live on the 6th floor of an apartment building, and the fire was only about 60-70m away, so we had a pretty terrifying view of it. Although, as the above photo, stolen from the Kahoku Shimpo shows, it was a big fire, somehow nobody was killed or injured. However, it was a very visceral reminder to shut off our kerosene heater before going to bed.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Respect mah ISO certification!



Something about this construction company mascot just reminded me a helluva lot of Southpark's Eric Cartman.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

(Not really) Tropic Thunder


I photographed this for one reason and one reason only. When I was perhaps 17 or 18, and still with a sliver of goodness in my rapidly blackening soul, there was this cartoon called Eek! The Cat on Saturday mornings. In one episode, Eek is hornswaggled into drinking a bottle of "Big Thunder Prune Juice" precipitating a hilarious potty gag. To this day, the memory of BTPJ makes me snicker out loud in public places causing all manner of angry muttering and glaring in my general direction. You can imagine my delight upon finding the surprisingly tasty Big Thunder chocolate bar. It consists of a thin, crispy chocolate biscuit covered in the cheapest milk chocolate money can import. The label reads: "Deliciousness! Hugeness! A double bolt of lightning! Even a glutton will be satisfied!"