Tied Up

Yesterday, an announcement was mass-emailed to our office notifying us that we no longer were required to wear ties and jackets to work. This is in keeping with the policies many Japanese companies adopt for the hot summer weather. I guess the reasoning is that if the guys dress down, they don't have to keep the air-conditioners cranked up, and can save a little money on their electric bills.

So, yesterday all the guys in our office took off their neckties and jackets as soon as they saw the announcement. One of the managers even posted up signs informing everyone of the new policy. He went out of his way to tell me, "From today, you don't have to wear a tie."

Today, all the men in the office are wearing ties again.
I am the only one who came in without a tie.

A big bowl of cold PAIN!!!

A lot has happened since my last post. The laughably named "Liberal Democratic Party" has lost power for the first time since the Ordovician period, Patrick Swayze died, and my soul got just a little bit blacker and more evil as a result of one or both of these. Most importantly, my regular comment correspondent Bob has informed me that cafeterias across Japan have started selling bowls of icy cold PAIN for a mere 80 yen each. This is good news as it takes regular doses of pain to remind my tiny shriveled bitter heart to keep beating. Fortunately a bowl of pain is only 43 calories, so I can eat the stuff all day and still keep my girlish figure.

OK, seriously, what is the story? Well, in Japan the word for "pineapple" is more or less "pineapple". This is usually abbreviated to "pine" though, and phonetically spelled パイン. Reverse engineering these characters back into English using standard romanization spelling yields "pain". Pineapple=Pain. I leave the details to your imagination.

(Photo credit: Bob, a.k.a. Dr. K, a.k.a. The Pilao!!!)

The importance of one word

Sometimes I hate doing proofreading work.



On the other hand, sometimes it's an absolute joy.

A haiku

A construction site
Vibrant signage... I feel wood
But not in my pants.

DigiBummed out

I always knew that one day our posteriors would be replaced by implanted waste-recyclers, forever eliminating the need to poop. Thank God! That day has arrived far earlier than I imagained! The Kairen DigiBum is a fully functional ass in the palm of your hand. It's dual-sphincter technology lets you...oh... wait. The fine print explains that "Digital Image" + "Album" = DigiBum. It seems that this is just yet another digital photo frame, and not the cybernetic bottom I was praying for.

When gummy bears crave vengeance, they turn to gummy ninjas

When I am not obsessing over ninjas and zombies, I am usually eating handfuls of gummy bears as the intensive chewing they require helps rid my body of all the nervous energy and loosened teeth that a meth addiction brings. Now, Japanese sweets maker Uha-Mikakuto has created a gummy snack worthy of your warrior soul: the Ninja Meal (忍者めし) gummy. Their marketing slogan is: "Satisfies the munchies of the modern Ninja".

These are harder than your average (gummy) bear, and are promoted as a way to reduce snacking by quite literally giving you something to chew on. They come in two flavors: Miyazaki (prefecture) Mango and Ume Katsuo. The former is a pretty average mango-flavored gummy with a sort of M&Ms-like crust surrounding it. The Ume Katsuo is another beast altogether, being plum and fish --yes, I said fish-- flavored. Once again, Japan never fails to disappoint with the wierd-ass snack flavors.

In which I record my failed attempt to ingest meat

Today was to be an epic day in the world of fast food in my city. A certain popular hamburger chain was, for the first time ever, to bring its girthier sandwich to Japan. This sandwich contains an all-beef patty weighing one fourth of a pound, a "quarter-pounder" if you will. In dire need of protein, iron and carcinogens I rushed to the nearest outlet, only to be told that they had none of the burgers I sought. "Nay!" said the clerk, "if large beefy patties you crave, go to yonder Chuodori Tenpo must you."

So, I girded up my soon to be cholesterol clogged loins and struck out for the covered shopping arcade. Once there though, I found that they were not content to just sell you the sandwich. Oh no. You had to go through this whole weird marketing process in which they made you fill out a survey and gave you a T-shirt to turn you into a walking billboard for their vittles. I just wanted a damn burger, so I gave the finger to the whole process and went to a bakery for my lunch instead. It really makes no sense, because the Japanese enjoy being horribly inconvenienced when trying to buy lunch just as much as Americans do.

So why is the above photo so blurry? Art my friend, art.

The return of the chocolate hot-shot!

First there was the Game Chocolate Ahiiii! Now there is Boukun Habanero Choco Kizoku (Despotic Habanero Chocoloate Aristocracy). This Tohato product is the latest in a long line of Japanese sweets that incorporate some element of capsicum.

What can I say about the Despotic Habanero Chocoloate Aristocracy? It is basically a crunchy, potato-based ring-shaped snack liberally spiced with chili pepper and coated in chocolate. If that doesn't convince you as to its savory-sweet goodness, the package reads "Sweet? Spicy? An alluring rendezvous!"

By the power of JAHEEEEEEEZZUS!!!

I have mentioned strange Japanese health and beauty goods in the past. The most memorable was perhaps a line of placenta-based skin-care products. On purely theological grounds, I think this one is my favorite though. As is often the case, I really can't think of anything to write about this, because nothing I write will be funnier than the product itself. Jesus Body? JESUS BODY??! Do not be alarmed. They are not selling the literal body of Christ. Jesus Body! is some sort of diet pill. The promotional Web-site promises that Jesus Body! will help you burn fat, detoxify your body, and alleviate the constipation associated with hard dieting. Well, I guess those minor feats should all be well within the Son of God's powers. The catch-copy loosely translates as "This divine diet supplement has been handed down from God in heaven."

I Googled and Googled, but could find no explanation of why the product is named "Jesus Body". I can only assumed the marketing team's meeting went something like this:

"We need a name that says "thin". I mean, really really skinny."
"Hmmm. How about 'Instant Anorexia'?"
"Nah. Too technical."
"Auschwitz Survivor?"
"That's the right direction, but too hard for our Japanese consumers to pronounce."
"I got it! How about Jesus Body? I mean, those crosses they put up in the fake wedding chapels usually have that skinny Jesus guy nailed to them, right?"
"Brilliant! Nothing says 'tit-less and unhealthily emaciated' like the wasted, tortured body of Jesus Christ! That is exactly the look that today's women want!"

Wall of Shame

There is a long tradition of Western stars sneaking over to Japan to whore out for an ad or two. Since the ads never run overseas, they get a free trip to Japan and a dump-truck full of money all while preserving their credibility back home. Today we look at three Hollywood stars who are making filthy lucre off of Japanese companies.

N-n-n-n-number THREEEEE!!!! Above we see Tommy Lee Jones shilling Suntory's line of BOSS coffees. I really can't begrudge the guy his ad spots because I really don't remember what he was last in. And he just saw his role as Two-Face brilliantly reinterpreted in Dark Knight. That had to sting.

Number TWO!!! George Clooney hawking Honda Odysseys. The tag-line is vaguely sexist, reading: "I like good cars. Because I'm a MAN!"

In at number one for most egregious pimping of a foreign talent to a Japanese advertising agency is Darth Vader. Not satisfied with turning him into a whiny, emo kid, Lucas has licensed Vader for use in a Star Wars themed pachinko game produced by Sankyo. Pachinko is basically a form of legalized gambling, so this is kind of the equivalent to Darth Vader being featured in a slot machine. You can see a promotional video and pictures of the pachinko machine here. Darth's tagline reads "The time to fight is now!" And by "fight" he means "gamble away your hopes and dreams on a form of rigged government-sanctioned gambling."

Japan: land of weird-ass keychain toys

I think over half of Japan's industry is devoted to designing and producing keychain and cell-phone lanyard toys. About a landfill's worth probably ship out every day, often as freebies attached to bottled beverages, but these are some of the odder premium ones I've seen. The three at top in the photo at left are meant to imitate the sound and feel of popping bubble-wrap. At bottom left is a toy that recreates the sensation of squeezing green soybeans (a popular bar snack) out of their pods. The device at bottom right is supposed to simulate the sound and feel of pulling the perforated cardboard tab off a box of sweets (Pocky, for instance).

None of these is as cool as the "Flower Vibe Key Holder" though. I love the retailer's Web site, complete with "how-to" pictures demonstrating proper usage on a fake vagina. Also, the idea that the user could just dangle it from her handbag as a fashion accessory is both hilarious and vaguely empowering. The description says it's for women who "want a vibrator they can take along on unexpected sleep-overs or trips. There is also no need to worry if you get stopped for a spot bag search when boarding an airplane" (no need to worry about embarrassment I assume, since last time I checked carrying sex toys on planes was not an offense).

No more unwanted pee-baths for your ass

One of the more civilized things about modern Japan is the public toilet. In particular, the crappers of the newer department stores boast all kinds of automatic soap dispensers and water-jets to eliminate any "not so fresh" feelings you may have. A lot of restrooms also have motion activated flushers on both the urinals and stalls, meaning you will never walk into a booth to take a dump only to find that the previous user has left a nice corpus delicti for your viewing pleasure. My favorite addition so far are these neat seat-sanitizers (hilarious English explanation optional -seriously, who says "WC" in this century?). They dispense a disinfectant, and used in conjunction with a few sheets of bog roll allow one to avoid the horror of sitting down in a puddle of cold piss (or worse, depending on the restroom). These should come standard in men's rooms everywhere.

Tofu Inferno

The tofu factory in our neighborhood caught fire last night, so we were kept up for a couple of hours by sirens, shouting firemen, and the news helicopters that were circling the scene. We live on the 6th floor of an apartment building, and the fire was only about 60-70m away, so we had a pretty terrifying view of it. Although, as the above photo, stolen from the Kahoku Shimpo shows, it was a big fire, somehow nobody was killed or injured. However, it was a very visceral reminder to shut off our kerosene heater before going to bed.

Respect mah ISO certification!

Something about this construction company mascot just reminded me a helluva lot of Southpark's Eric Cartman.

(Not really) Tropic Thunder

I photographed this for one reason and one reason only. When I was perhaps 17 or 18, and still with a sliver of goodness in my rapidly blackening soul, there was this cartoon called Eek! The Cat on Saturday mornings. In one episode, Eek is hornswaggled into drinking a bottle of "Big Thunder Prune Juice" precipitating a hilarious potty gag. To this day, the memory of BTPJ makes me snicker out loud in public places causing all manner of angry muttering and glaring in my general direction. You can imagine my delight upon finding the surprisingly tasty Big Thunder chocolate bar. It consists of a thin, crispy chocolate biscuit covered in the cheapest milk chocolate money can import. The label reads: "Deliciousness! Hugeness! A double bolt of lightning! Even a glutton will be satisfied!"

Advertising

I wanted to post this before September completely passed over us. A buddy and I found it dangling in the entrance to a little bar. We could only presume that it was some indication of the type of food served therein. Unfortunately, it was the middle of the afternoon so the place wasn't open, otherwise we would have gone in and requested an order of Fanged Abomination in Chianti Sauce. Mad props to anyone who can identify it. We have no clue.

Get em off downtown

So, I was walking through my city's red light district. It was a shortcut. Really. I was just going from, um... the hospital where I volunteer to play Scrabble with the elderly to, uh...church. I was just taking an innocent shortcut. DON'T JUDGE ME! Anyway, I love the signage down in the seedier parts of town. In addition to a club named "Vajiina" (I wonder what that means?), I found the below sign politely refusing service to foreigners. Apparently the proprietors do not want any filthy disease-carrying Americans (i.e. me) to avail themselves of their "form". And by form, I believe they mean den of prostitution.

Make my spunk the P-spunk

God DAMN...just when I thought I'd run out of Japanese products with weird-ass names. Not just the name, but even the color of this Spunky Heads chewing gum is gross. After mastication, it goes from an already unappetizing gray to a tarry black. Not even very minty fresh either.

XXXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM SNACKING

Since it has been a while since we reviewed any snack food abominations, today we will look at three EXTREME FOODS from the shelves of Japan's grocery stores.

First up is COFFEE MANIA!!!! These little one-cup coffee pouches are actually a cool (albeit environmentally unsound) idea. You just remove the the filter with built-in cardboard holder from its pouch, strap it to the top of your coffee cup, and pour hot water over it for a fresh cup of joe. Since the filter contains real, ground coffee, the end product is way better than instant. Perfect for those times when you want just one cup, and not a whole pot. I think what makes this particular product "maniacal" is that it contains roughly twice the amount of coffee grounds as the regular model, allowing you to make one very strong or two very weak cups of coffee.


Our next snack travesty is the ORIGINAL BIONIC LIFEGUARD CHOCO SNACK. Lifeguard is a popular (or at least common) energy drink in Japan. The drink offers consumers a massive caffeine dose, undefinable fruity/acidic flavor, and a neon green color that makes it look like something you'd find in a spray bottle with a poison-control hotline sticker on it. Now, imagine all these qualities transferred to a solid corn puff coated in white chocolate and sprinkled with Pop Rocks. Brain-meltingly bad.


Last but not least is Fruity Paradise flavored Natchan. Anyone who has spent any time in Japan knows Natchan. The innocently smiling bottles contain a relatively drinkable mixture of high fructose corn syrup and a tiny amount of real juice. Usually, Natchan sticks to conservatively descriptive names like "Orange" and "Grape", but it looks like someone at their marketing department got a bit carried away this season.

Fraud is fun!

First, I gotta say, I love the Internet. Last night and this morning I got a couple of very strange messages on my cell. They seemed to be from a man in his 40s or 50s, talking very quickly. I really couldn't make out what he was saying... something about 回収 ("collection") and 早い段階 ("at an early stage"). Fortunately my phone showed me his number, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to Google it. If the guy was from a legit business and was calling from a business number, I reasoned, I should get a hit and be able to figure out what it was about.

I certainly got a hit... to this cached page from a disgruntled blogger warning people that someone with the same number had been trying to get him to pay a fictitious bill.

Unfortunately, this is not at all uncommon in Japan. Cases of phone fraud, in which fraudsters call unsuspecting people and demand that they wire money to a savings account are rampant. Fortunately, you'd have to be pretty thick to fall for most of their ploys, which include:

• Pretending to be the victim's son/daughter and in need of money.


• Demanding payment in connection with their cellular phone/Internet usage.


• My favorite, claiming to be the police and telling the victim that their son/husband was caught groping a woman on a train, but that charges will be dropped if the victim wires them cash.

Anyway, I blocked the fraudulent phone number, so I probably won't be hearing from that guy again. And to my Japan buddies, if you get a suspicious call from XXX-XXXX-6671, I suggest you ignore it and block the caller too. Or answer and harangue him in your native language.