Japanese women can outrun a speeding locomotive...leap tall buildings in a single bound...

Speaking of stereotypes, I saw this funny book at our local foreign book seller.

Now, I can understand where some people would get that impression. You come to Japan, and suddenly you're surrounded by skinny young chicks. Actually, it's just that the old fat women are too intimidated by the young skinny ones to ever leave their homes, giving the false impression that the better half of the Japanese race is immune to the ravages of time and ice cream eaten in bed at two in the morning while watching Cracker...er...not that the author knows of such debauchery.


As counter-evidence to this book's title, I submit this photo of Japanese "psychic" Hosoki Kazuko. As you will note, she is both old and fat. She does, however, offer lots of great advice to young skinny chicks. For example, "shut up and get back in the kitchen, bitch." She is 23 in the photo -she is now around 40 and looks a lot like Emperor Palpatine, with huge folds of wrinkly skin sagging from her jowls. It's kind of hard to tell from this face shot, but she weighs upward of 900 pounds and has to be wheeled around on a special motorized platform. She regularly crushes defenseless puppy-dogs and small children under its merciless treads. I don't care for her TV show.

This almost made Mr. K cry

Holy Jim Crow era stereotypes Batman! Shoei Bread's "Southern Country Black Bread" is yet another example of Japanese snack-food marketing gone horribly wrong. (BTW, in Japan 'black bread' refers to bread made with molasses, not that dense German stuff that facilitates pooping.) My pal Mr. Kura took one look at the picaninny caricature on the package and said "dude, that is so mean" before devouring the bread because he was pretty hungry.

No gay burgers!

Activist liberal fast food shops are intent on destroying the institution of hamburgers as being between one beef patty and one bun, with optional lettuce, tomato, onions, processed American cheese and pickle. Some restaurants are fruiting up our burgers with condiments such as aged cheddar, ginger sauce, green chili, chutney and avocado. The most egregious of the radical liberals even replace the patty with soy products. I was therefore relieved to see Japanese fast food chain Lotteria fighting back against these activists with its "Straight Burger" campaign. This is a clarion call to action! I hope that those of you who cherish family values will urge your local fast food outlets to emulate Lotteria in taking a stand for traditional hamburgers.

A return to cultural sophistication

I know it has been a quantifiable assload of time since the last post, but I was doing some deep reflective soul searching. Is this blog really about all that is lewd and unseemly in Japan -blowjob jokes and food sodomy? As a self-proclaimed "Japanoblog" do I not owe my millions (by which I mean 4) readers cultural insights, comparative analysis and hard-hitting critiques of the white imperial colonialism that is the yoke around modern Asia's neck? Is it not time to lay aside the childish sexual innuendo for something more lofty and universal? By thunder, YES! Hence, starting today we turn over a new leaf of sophistication and cultural sensitivity at Yamatonokuni.

But first let me show you this picture of a humorously named Vietnamese coffee I found at our local import store.


It consists of 100% pure Robusta, which is to coffee what a kick in the face is to not having a nosebleed, or what happoshu is to beer. If you are actually foolish enough to use it to make coffee, it tastes kind of like pencil shavings boiled in motor oil with a hint of Febreeze. OK, it's not that bad, but if you let it sit too long it starts to smell like burning tire.

A Titilating Development

As a TIT alum, this headline from the English edition of Japan’s prestigious Daily Yomiuri reminded me how much I admire the TIT faculty. They’re firm, yet perky and accessible teachers who command their pupils’ interest. How I miss my college days, when I could give my undivided attention to TIT and could spend days and days contemplating TIT’s magnificent facilities. Sadly, TIT has been squeezed and pulled by numerous administrative issues leading to sagging performance and drooping enrollment numbers. However, I’m sure students will be lining up for this new TIT Examination and TIT will once again bulge with intellectual endeavors and gush torrents of piping-hot new ideas.

Wanna make $5?

Happy B-Day to the Love Doctor! OK, he’s not technically a doctor yet, but that is basically a done deal as his dissertation is going to be so tight and sexy that ivy-league dons will regularly attempt to mate with it. In addition to his academic prowess, the Love Doctor’s mere presence has tripled or possibly quadrupled the number of female students applying to our department. Don't bother asking me to forward your propositions to him though...he's already hitched up.

Dr. Dre would be proud

Vandalism in this country cracks me up. I love the fact that whoever defaced this official police phone box was too polite to actually write directly on the box, choosing to write his views on a sticker instead. Seriously though, what did the constabulary do to cheese this rogue sticker-affixer off? In my ten years of living here I think I’ve seen a cop actually on patrol maybe once. How can the man oppress the masses when he’s playing mah-jongg on his GameBoy in his police box?

Loose firey bowels

Ah Japan, ye land of weird ass snack foods. No sooner was the ink dry on the pudding blurb then I remembered this piece of work. These Karamucho sugarless candies are flavored with zesty artificial pineapple and .03 mg of RAW CAPSAICIN. The package warns that ingesting too many may cause “loose bowels".

Creme de la horreur

Meito’s creamy Kuro Koshou no Kaori pudding begs the question: wtf? Essentially, a crème caramel pudding, but with a horrible, horrible twist. Yes, that is a fucking pepper grinder on the peel-away top. What they thought a hint of black pepper would add to this dessert is anyone’s guess. I suppose if you can’t decide between a nice pudd and a thick, peppery steak, you’re in luck.

The trees will save you!

In the city where I live, a suicidal maniac plowed his truck into a pedestrian-only shopping arcade killing several people last April. The city was shocked and outraged. The local government’s solution was to stick a couple of potted trees in front of the arcade entrances because, obviously, no-one would drive their vehicle into a planter that may or may not weigh more than 50 lbs. Then, in December it happened again. A different psycho decided to take a spin down the pedestrian arcade. Amazingly no one was killed. This time, the government sprang to attention like the steely cock of Johnny Kitagawa upon spying a 13 year-old boy and proceeded to…ADD　MORE　FUCKING　PLANTERS! I finally got around to checking out their handiwork last week. Here is a picture of the impenetrable barrier that was erected to protect us all from crazy assholes. I’m so glad I pay my taxes.

Asadachi!

Ahh...sunrise over the hood. Today's Japanese lesson: asadachi. Comprised of "asa" (morning) and "tachi" (to 'stand up'). The same condition is commonly referred to as "morning wood" in my native country.

loliconomics

I may as well just change this blog’s name to “lolicontracker” or something like that, because approx. 90% of the material is going to be me ranting about the pervasiveness of the loliphenomenon in mainstream Japan. “You’re overreacting. We all know that loliculture is relegated to a few middle-aged otaku huddling in their parents’ houses jerking off to reverse import La Blue Girl DVDs, right?” I wish. Those guys, at least, have the decency to stay the fuck out of sight. The larger issue is that you literally cannot walk through a bookstore without being visually sodomized by loliriffic imagery. If you don’t believe me look at this.

Hmm…anime drawing of 9 year-old girl proffering glimpse of immaculate white panties? I must have wandered into the curtained-off manga section again. What? I’m in the econ/finance section?! I know it’s hard to market books on economic theory, especially when you’re specifically targeting the pedophile demographic, but did they really have to go there? Maybe I’m turning into a western-morality Nazi, but come on. A modicum of decorum, if you please.

Free market

Unbridled capitalism, it’s argued, will eventually lead to everything being commoditized and assigned a monetary value. Japan perhaps makes the strongest case for this theory. There is a niche retail market here for just about everything including spit, feces and teddy bears modeled on Korean soap opera heartthrobs. I just hope this store isn't selling what I think it is.

Worrying and Start

In Japan pretty much all books, be they Japanese or foreign, are fitted with a little paper wrap tucked around the dust jacket. These generally bear large, eye-catching marketing phrases, like “10 MILLION COPIES SOLD” or “CONTAINS GRAPHIC QUADRUPLE FISTING ACTION” (as in the case of the book partially visible on the far left). However, the positioning of these marketing wrappers can lead to comical results, as I found in our local Maruzen. The Japanese slogan printed on the wrap reads “OPENS PATHS”…

Abeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebah!!!!

You see some odd advertisements in Japanese train stations. This one purports to be advertising a sort of night-school for computer illiterates who want to learn how to write in kusachu or whatever. However, I think it’s obvious from the picture that all three of the models are getting blowjobs. This probably also explains why it’s shot from the waist up. Needless to say, the guy on left is furiously shooting his wad even as the woman (?) in center nears the peak of her climax. The woman on right is clearly the most uptight of the group, and therefore just smiles politely and fiddles with her scarf thing while her partner earnestly, but somewhat clumsily, attends to her clitoris. The blue letters at the bottom of the ad are a direct translation of Robbie Williams’ immortal lyrics: “Get your rocks off Get your rocks off, honey Shake it now now Get’em off downtown.”

Splashguard not included

There’s a Japanese verb, gaman suru, which roughly means “to put up with all kinds of outrageous crap because to do so is considered a virtue by your culture”. I think this row of urinals perfectly exemplifies the Japanese spirit of gaman. At some point, a handicapped-accessible stall was installed directly in front of the last urinal, leaving approximately 10 inches of room for the user. Nothing says gaman like cramming yourself into a tiny crevice and urinating on yourself due to splash damage from a rediculously positioned commode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to wedge myself in for a piss.

Ho ho ho!

I and Santa's enormous pale scrotum wish you all a very merry Christmas!
(Full body shot can be seen here)

Bypass

Eh. No sarcastic commentary today. Just a shot of this bypass that I thought was kind of cool. The Japanese love of nature may be greatly exaggerated in the West, but they do know how to make scenic highways.

Drought

Today's post has nothing to do with Japan. I just wanted to post this picture of the desolate, barren, lifeless surface of mars...



...to give y'all an idea of what my sex life is like (^o^)

Bad Santa, Bad!

Man, please tell me those aren't Santa's big, bouncy white balls dangling out there in the open air. I was with my daughter when we espied this inflated Santy in a shopping arcade. I didn't know whether to say "Ooooh, look! It's Santa-san!" or "COVER YOUR EYES! LOOK AWAY!"